When You're On The Verge of Divorce

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In this episode, Aaron talks about the possibility of staying together when you’re on the verge of divorce.

Show Notes

If there’s one thing that breaks my heart is seeing people get divorced, especially when I can see that it’s recoverable.

Here are the top reasons get divorced…

Money

Lack of intimacy

Infidelity

Abuse

Lack of compatibility

Physical appearance

Addictions

Getting married at an early age

Getting married for the wrong reasons

Lack of communication

Lack of equality and loss of identity

None of these said psychopath or sociopath. Just to speak a caveat.. I’m not saying divorces are all bad, or that in some instances they can actually be liberating and send someone on a healing journey..

What I’m intending for this episode, is that.. wherever you go there you will be. But if you can heal and shift your perspective and grow into a better more present version of yourself while remaining married.. it’s possible. 

I’ve sat down many times with someone who is at the tipping point of their relationship. That moment where harmful patterns have been overlooked and not addressed. Things are really starting to fall apart. Someones at the edge of a nervous break down, or someone did the unthinkable. 

Every relationship is a dance. It takes two to create harmful patterns. 

Being from a divorced family myself, seeing several divorces go down, and having several heartbreak relationships in my life..

What I’ve noticed is that we fall in love one loving behavior at a time, and we also fall out of love one unloving behavior at a time. 

Just like gaining or loosing weight, you gain one unhealthy bite at a time, but you can also loose weight one thoughtful meal and exercise at a time. 

In divorce, you have this seemingly overnight experience that the relationship came apart and “it’s over”. But what you really have is these unloving behaviors staked on top of each other. 

Trust is built over time, and can be restored overtime.

Unloving behaviors come from a place of fear to where we forget that we fell in love with our partner at some point. 

One thing you can do is write a list of what had you fall in love with that person in the first place.

Ask yourself, “what did I get out of falling in love with this person?”

What did they give you?

And whatever it is that you got out of being with that person whether it’s affection, confidence, a sense of security, romance, intimacy… can you give that to yourself ?

We are always on a path of discovering more and more about ourselves on a daily basis. 

You’re either moving towards being a healthy person, or you are moving away from that into being an unhealthy person.

And it takes ONE PERSON, just one person in the relationship to put their foot down and become a healthy version of themselves. 

A more honest, healthy, truer version of themselves.

And THAT is what becomes attractive. 

Not only are you making healthy relationship choices and breaking away from co-dependency, but the healthy parts of you become attractive to the healthy parts of your partner.

Not only do you begin to trust yourself again, but you also give your partner the freedom that they need to have to be themselves.

When you are ok with being yourself, you don’t need that person to be a certain way for you.

The biggest problem in relationships is that we think the other person is our problem and that drives us insane.

“If they we’re they way they are, then I would have to respond, act, and be this way”

But when we look at ourselves and notice how we’re contributing to the relationship..

What you’re doing

Why you’re doing it

And understanding what that is about for us, and what the story is that we’re telling ourselves around the relationship

And then TURN AROUND those behaviors, habits, thought patterns.

Slowing down enough to understand what those thoughts and feelings are telling you.

And then ask yourself, “Is this belief I keep holding about this relationship even True?”

We all operate from a place of either LOVE or FEAR.

A place of GIVING or a place of trying to GET our needs met.

A pace of RECEIVING, ALLOWING, AND ACCEPTING or a place of trying to block and control.

So it just takes that one person to step up to the plate, and love themselves.

At the core of loving yourself is learning how to be present with yourself. 

Gaining the capacity to do what’s best, kind and loving for you, you’re then able to understand and have compassion for your partner.

You’re able love them and have the capacity to be present for them. 

You’re then able to have capacity for your kids if you have them.

And then understanding the story you have been telling yourself all this time..

Is it a story of “I’m going to be rejected if..XY and Z happen”

Or is it “I’m going to be abandoned if they leave or XYZ happens.”

When you believe these fears, you do behaviors  and strategies to compensate because you think it gives you what you want.

But the truth is… you’re not getting your needs met.

If you know someone, or you are that someone struggling to love themselves

 Or Maybe you’re not allowing other people to love you. 

Or maybe you find it hard to set a boundary when you’re in a situation of unloving behavior

I just want you to know there is hope and possibility for you out there. 

There is a choice out there for you

There is a commitment out there for you to make a shift and a change.

You can do something different.

You can change the pattern.

You can break the patterns of the past. 

Thanks for listening to TKOL podcast.

As always, if you’re struggling in harmful relationship patterns, on the verge of divorce, and want to reclaim your self-worth, you can connect with me on instagram @aarontosti or thekindoflove.com

I’m here to be of service.

Thanks for Listening TKOL Podcast

I’m Aaron.

Best of Love to You.